Just a (poorly written) post about missing someone.

I am not used to missing people. Absence, of a kind, is something slightly new to me. Sure, I've missed people before. Family and friends and home. But nothing has been harder than being separated from my best friend.

And when I say best friend, I mean someone who has been there for me like a sister for two thirds of my life. Kim, while not reliable in the sense of deadlines and meeting times, is a dependable constant. She's always there and always will be. I have no doubt about that.

The separation is not what worries me. I am fretting over whether or not we'll be friends when she comes home. Honest friendship doesn't need validation or reassurance, it's like family: you know you're bound for life. There may be point where you will talk less, but that doesn't change much in the relationship.

The hard part about Kim being away on her mission trip is the fact that talking to her isn't a simple, random phone call. I can't Skype with her. I get maybe five to eight minutes on the phone with her on Sundays. A lot of that time is spent letting that ebbing loneliness that haunted you all week take over while you listen to your friend cry on the other end of the line. And you're powerless to do anything about her sadness except tell about how you screwed up your interview.

This is hard to write out at the moment. I start school tomorrow and most of my friends have left town. So this absence is simply a hole right now. I have never missed anyone so much. Every day isn't dark without her, but there are moments and days and chunks of weeks where the loneliness clamps onto me. At times like that I am a boring lump who just wants to lie in bed and think about stars and made up stories. The loneliness isn't even always blatant loneliness; it's boredom. Heavy boredom where's I'm too bored to think of anything to do.

I miss being able to call and suggest getting together. I miss being able to laugh over stupid, silly faces we make and the way one of us stumbles on the sidewalk. It's the small things that hurt, I guess.

And the new things. Moving on is always hard, and making new friends will almost feel like betraying the old ones. Not that it is, of course. But somehow it seems unfair to all parties involved. I miss Kim, she feels left out, and the new friend feels second rate. It's a cycle I've been through a lot of my life, but I don't really mind.

I guess what my point is...I'm starting college and she's doing work for her church. We're both doing separate things, now, and it's hard not to be able to tell each other every little detail about it. Sometimes I even feel like I am in prison. (Okay, if I am honest with myself, that is probably because I spent all day watching Orange is the New Black on Netflix.)

In any case, this is a lot of "new" all at once. Being mostly alone in it is challenging. I'm going to look on the bright side here: I have my sister and another great friend close by. It's great. But there is something irreplaceable about a best friend, and being without your best friend is actually hard.