Self-Analysis

Well, here's to procrastination. I have a paper about Christianity and another about GMOs to write, but here I am typing away on my blog. About a subject I don't even like all too much.

I was just talking to my mom and sister about my mother's relationships. She told us her boyfriend likes us, and I disagreed (I honestly do find it hard to believe, that this man would care about us with the way he acts). In any case, that isn't the point. She actually ended up telling me that I intimidate people.

???

This is not how I normally see myself. Intimidating. Of all words, that really surprises me. Gotta admit this label almost appeals to me...But I have a hard time convincing myself it's appropriate.

She says it's because I am difficult to read, which I suppose can be true from some cases. I, however, would not say that's a strength as it has pushed many people away from me. So maybe that's my number two weakness.

Number one weakness would of course be being unable to communicate very well. I just can't bring myself to talk to people. I can't laugh at jokes I don't find funny, and I can't speak to people I don't like. I can barely speak to people I do like! (Unless I know them very well).

I'm currently reevaluating my situation. (Side note, I'd really like to go away for a week...) With spring break coming to a close, I am looking forward to being busy again. I am less motivated when I have less to do. Although I did end up running every other day, I failed to write my current project. At all. I've yet to figure out where that is even headed. Novella? Life arc? Character transformation? Wild spinning into crazy? I have no idea.

Anyway, this is my last blog post of March. And now I really have to write that essay...

The Summoning

Yes. I tricked you with the title of this post. No, I did not experience a traumatic horror-movie-like ordeal today. But it was close.

I got summoned for jury duty.

When I got that ugly, white, too-official-for-my-taste envelope in the mail, I could already feel my stomach churning. Why me?? What did I ever do to deserve such a horrible adult-like responsibility??

Hint: I got older.

I drove there this morning with a hollow feeling in my chest. As i have detailed before, I do not like this whole concept of growing up. But I dragged my Bug into the Third District Circuit Court parking garage at 8:30 in the morning. Parked next to a man clenching official papers and a set of car keys belonging to a blue sedan in his fist. I stepped out into the rain and marched up the steps.

And then I stood by the doorway dumbly not knowing what to do next as people handed over their bags and passed through metal detectors. Honestly, I stood there for about thirty full seconds before a police officer told me which way to go. But when I got lost, they were helpful. Maybe it was because of my pliable, young, innocent appearance (KIDDING), or maybe they just aren't as crabby as I imagined they would be.

And then I got to a room, signed in, and sat at a table for the next six hours, keeping myself entertained with homework, a book, and my journal. And I sat. Watched an old video about jury duty. Sat some more. Waited to be called.

I was never called. No one was.

I am okay with this. I would have hated to miss another day of class because I am a nerd.

All in all, this was a new experience, albeit a boring one. Also somewhat relaxing and even a little interesting. I like to people-watch. I guess I really need to relax. Stop giving myself stress pains and nightmares over things that so many people have to do, things that really aren't a big deal. I suppose I have to grow up, at least for appearance's sake, and doing things like this is part of that.

It's the First Amendment.

Today in history class, I witnessed something horrible. A young man who sits a few seats behind me interjected--rather confidently--in the professors lecture. This isn't irregular. This particular individual loves to prove he knows everything about all things. However, oftentimes his "facts" are misguided, or wrong.

This was one such occasion. Today, I witness a college student claim that separation of church and state is not, in fact, in the Constitution. Nope. According to this kid, it's just an informal guideline written in a letter a long time ago.

I present to you, the First Amendment:  "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof ...."

Simply put, government cannot enforce a religion. It cannot be taught in public schools as fact, and people are allowed to practice whatever religion they desire, free from government intervention. It is a principle this nation was founded on, seeing as how many of the first pilgrims came here seeking freedom to practice their own religions. 

Look, this is so important that it's actually in the very FIRST amendment.

Listening to this guy so confidently tell everyone the Constitution doesn't actually guarantee freedom of religion/separation of church and state made me want to keel over in laughter. Only I held back. That is, until he insinuated that his religion was actually superior to others because the cardinals in the Vatican kiss the rings of Greek Orthodox officials.

Hm. Okay, maybe that's just a gesture of respect. Why on earth would you suggest that your religion is superior in a classroom full of students from varying backgrounds? 

This was not his first comment of this nature, but it was my breaking point. I doubled over (regrettably a little less subtly than I normally would laugh) and quietly laughed a lot.

I've pretty much had it with this guy, who has somehow assured himself that he is 100% correct about everything. There is a healthy amount of pride, but then you get someone like this guys. Hubris is a pretty fitting word on my account.

I wouldn't like to call this person stupid, but...the description is temptingly close.

Redemption

Yes, I am quite aware that my last post was rather mopey, and I apologize. The writing problem is solved, however! I have found the best possible inspiration for my new project: Everyday life. 

That's right. I am leaving my escapist landscapes behind--at least for now. 

This shift is probably influenced by the increasing impact the real world is having on my life. Money, school, jury duty...I'm trying my hand at reality (although I'm probably going to end up pinching it in some way). Honestly, this is probably even partially (or more than partially) inspired by my sociology class.

And i guess this marks the transition. I'm quite pleased with what I've written so far, and that's really more than I can say for what I've been writing these past few months. 

Writing Woes

Stating a new book that I'm not entirely confident of is hard. Especially lately. Something I struggle with a lot personally is feeling adequate. Rarely am I satisfied by my work, and rarely do I feel as if others appreciate what I try to do. Not that it's their job to. It's mine. But I am envious of the support other people receive from their families. 

Writing is very important to me, and I know that doesn't mean I an necessarily good. Still, these stories are what used to keep me going. Now, as I embark on some new journey to some new mess of a situation, I feel almost nothing. I cared about my old characters, but these new ones seem flat. I'm only 3,300 words in, but I can feel that my protagonist doesn't capture much. It's disheartening, and I think I'll start over.

But what bothers me the most about all this is how I've been dealing with these feelings. I lack inspiration to start something new, I have no idea how to even start this latest project. Sure, it happens to everyone. But I feel very lost without my sense of purpose in writing. 

I'll be the first to admit that my last book was weak. That doesn't mean I didn't love it. I savored nearly every second of the characters' interactions. I fell in love with the place I created. But this story just isn't doing that for me. 

I don't want to sound whiny, but I think that may be because I have no one to share this with. Generally I write for my best friend, Kim, who is like a sister to me. But I haven't seen her for months because she is away on a church trip. I also feel bad, looking back for subjecting her to my writing. Which may or may not be a valid feeling. 

Now that I'm very alone in this world of my writing, I feel uninspired. No one except Kim and maybe Eli actually cares about my writing (Eli only because he acknowledges how important it is to me). It's a lonely feeling, but I don't want people to be interested just because I feel that way. I mean, I just feel...sad lately. This may sound selfish, but just sad and tied of hearing how great a writer Adam would be, how interesting Olga's story is. But No one ever even asks to read my stuff. Even if they know I love it. And that it's important to me.  

That's more petty family stuff than anything, perhaps. But I do feel grossly inadequate, like I'm suffocating under this crushing weight of my own personal disappointment in myself. I've lost my teachers who used to help me and find resources for me, the people who actually encouraged me by providing me with great tools, advice, and books, and the one person who actually took the effort and time to read my words and discuss ideas. Shape these small worlds. 

I like to isolate myself. I always have, even as a kid. It's a problem, but I think I'm just too accustomed to not asking people for help or reaching out to them with my ideas... Maybe I have a problem seeing what I have around me? (It's a little selfish of me to wish people would take an interest in what I do, Jeeze, sorry if you read all this...)

Writing used to make me feel so much less alone. But now, I can't write because it makes me feel lonely. I'm just lost, and I really hope I can find some direction soon. Otherwise, I think this whole sad will just get a lot worse.