Insecurities

Freshman year, I discovered something very important about my mistakes: I made them because I believed I was going to. The one responsible for this revelation was my orchestra director, Mrs. Caballero. During playing tests for cello, I would freeze and fumble over notes, resulting in music that lacked shape and melody. My teacher helped me recognize the problem: I needed to have more confidence.

Still, acknowledging the problem didn't necessarily mean fixing it. each year, I still bombed my playing tests. I made minimal progress, and each session with my teacher led to another conversation about my confidence. I've always been shy, but showing people my abilities (or lack there of) makes me choke up. It's a paralyzing fear of not being enough.

These past few years, I have been working on boosting my confidence. I wore daring outfits, especially if I had something important like a speech to tackle. I chopped off my hair, taking on a pixie cut. I laughed loudly with my friends and ignored people who weren't worth my time. I took a creative writing course that forced me to share my writing. These motions have helped me raise my self-esteem.

However, even today I find it difficult to share simple facts about my life with friends. I can't open up about my concerns. This has even led to arguments with some of my friends, who believe I am too closed off. It is borderline impossible for me to let someone read my writing.

The other day, my mom asked to read a draft of my book that I've been working on for some time. Flattered, I gave her an ebook version. No one in my family had ever shown interest in my writing before. I was craving support from someone, anyone. I generally only have one friend and English teachers who read my writing. But now, with my mom asking me questions about it, I can't tell her anything. I feel trapped in my silly cycle once again, one where I begin to hate the product of my mind too much to even speak of it.

I am going to give this draft another sweep, and hopefully that will re-solidify my confidence.